


Mother Impeccable (of) Lalondian Flaws

by LuarRosa



Series: Adventures Containing Really Obnoxious Names You'll Miss [3]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Accidental Self-Harm, Angst, Angst and Humor, Angst with a Happy Ending, Arguments, Bad Parenting, Bread, Darkness, Gen, I don't know what I'm doing, Mild Blood, Mother Complex, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Rubber Ducks, She's Not Too Bad She's Trying, They Really Need Therapy, Unhealthy Relationships, Villain Kanaya But Not In The Sexy Way, gay longing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-18
Updated: 2020-03-10
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:47:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22296535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LuarRosa/pseuds/LuarRosa
Summary: In which Kanaya adopts Vriska, along some others, and ends up making her just want to leave. Will our hero of Light stop her? Read these angsty-ass chapters to find out!
Relationships: Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam
Series: Adventures Containing Really Obnoxious Names You'll Miss [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1805998
Comments: 11
Kudos: 11





	1. Lusus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just really like thinking about Kanaya okay  
> Also this work is like mildly inspired by YOURS, MINE and OURS (https://mspfa.com/?s=31907&p=1) but not in a substantial or relevant way or anything just in a "ooooooooh you did that but with Rosemary didn't you" so maybe check it out  
> It's a whole different vibe from this but it's really fucking good  
> And this whole work has like a bunch of references to a fuckton of things? I don't know if I should straight up link all of them tbh but yeah

VRISKA: She was a terri8le lusus.  
VRISKA: A8ysmal, even.  
VRISKA: So, yeah.  
KANAYA: I See  
KANAYA: That Is Truly Upsetting  
VRISKA: It's 8een years, it's alright.  
KANAYA: Either Way  
KANAYA: I Am Sorry You Had To Go Through That  
KANAYA: I Wish There Was Something I Could Do  
VRISKA: Something you could do? How????????  
KANAYA: To Offer You The Love And Care She Never Did  
KANAYA: It Seems That Not A Lot Of Us Had That At All  
KANAYA: And Id Like To Change That  
VRISKA: Kanaya.  
VRISKA: Are you asking to 8e my mom?  
KANAYA: Perhaps I Am  
KANAYA: Is That A Problem  
VRISKA: LMAOOOOOOOO  
VRISKA: We're the s8me 8ge!!!!!!!!  
KANAYA: Well Of Course Its Not Exactly Like Being Your Mother  
KANAYA: Although That Role Strangely Makes Sense In My Head  
KANAYA: Rose Is Not Going To Breastfeed You Or Anything Else Mothers Do To Babies  
VRISKA: Aw ::::(  
KANAYA: What  
VRISKA: I mean, uh, ew, gross.  
VRISKA: Does that mean I'm moving to your place?  
KANAYA: I Guess It Does  
KANAYA: If By My Place You Mean Our House  
KANAYA: Id Say Hive But Its Not The Same Architecture  
VRISKA: Cool!!!!!!!!  


TWO YEARS LATER, PROBABLY: 

Your name is VRISKA SERKET, and you are a TROLL of SOME AGE, LIKE 2X YEARS OR SOMETHING. You are SIMPLY STANDING in your BEDROOM, which is SPIDER-THEMED, and VERY COOL LOOKING. Such things you're doing are NORMAL BEHAVIOR for you, but your schedule also includes DOING CHORES to SURVIVE, and PLAYING SHOOTER GAMES on your SPIDER COMPUTER. You also occasionally READ BOOKS thrown around the floor, but you already read all of them. Despite all those fun things to do, and the possibility of visiting the OTHER PEOPLE living here, you decide to just go outside your room and EAT, as it is currently 8 a.m. 

> Vriska: Open the door. 

As you reach for the doorknob, you hear it: 

woosh woosh  


A zooming sound, getting louder by the second. You let go of the knob, and take a few steps away from the door. It bursts open. 

KANAYA: Good Morning My Beautiful Vriska  
VRISKA: Good morning, Kanaya.  
KANAYA: How Are You Feeling Today  
VRISKA: I'm okay. How a8out--  
KANAYA: Good Very Good Indeed  
KANAYA: Im Glad  
KANAYA: Have You Eaten Im Assuming You Havent  
VRISKA: I was going to, 8efore you opened the door for me.  
KANAYA: Oh  
KANAYA: My Apologies Vriska I Didnt Mean To Interrupt You  
KANAYA: Please Go On Okay  
KANAYA: I Love You  
VRISKA: I love you too.  


She left, just as fast as she came. You finally step outside the room, looking at the hall in front of you. It's huge, and has many, many doors, akin to an apartment building, or a hotel. Each of those doors has a number, a symbol, and a name, representing whoever sleeps behind them. Conveniently, the room to your right is Terezi's, but you don't feel like bothering her right now. You walk towards the kitchen. 

There, by the counter, you find two affectionate trolls with smiles on their faces, staring at you. They block your path towards sustenance. 

SOLLUX: welcome two the bread bank  
SOLLUX: we 2ell bread  
SOLLUX: we 2ell loaf2  
SOLLUX: we got bread on deck  
SOLLUX: bread on the floor  
SOLLUX: toa2ted  
SOLLUX: roa2t  
VRISKA: Shut the fuck up.  
VRISKA: Listen, I just need a 8aguette and a 8rioche.  
SOLLUX: we dont have eiither of tho2e  
SOLLUX: you can get the gluten free whiite bread the potato bread  
VRISKA: What the fuck is gluten????????  
VRISKA: Take that shit out.  
SOLLUX: iit2 gluten free  
TEREZI: PL34S3 STOP ROL3PL4Y1NG  
TEREZI: 1TS 31GHT 1N TH3 MORN1NG  
ARADIA: aw come on terezi i didnt even get my lines yet!!!  
TEREZI: 4R4D14 1 C4N H34R YOU 4LL SCR34M1NG FROM MY B3DROOM  
SOLLUX: you can hear anythiing from there 2tupid  
TEREZI: TH4T DO3SNT SOLV3 YOUR PROBL3M NOW DO3S 1T  
VRISKA: Why don't you just ask Kanaya for an audioproof 8edroom?  
TEREZI: 1 WOULD N3V3R  
TEREZI: 1 N33D TO L1ST3N TO 3V3RYTH1NG  
TEREZI: 1TS MY ONLY W4Y OF B31NG 4W4R3 OF TH3 3NV1RONM3NT  
SOLLUX: you just 2aiid you--  
TEREZI: 1 GET 1T  
TEREZI: YOU 4LL H4T3 BL1ND P3OPL3  
VRISKA: Terezi, please, shut up.  
TEREZI: H3H3H3H3H3  


> Vriska: Hit Terezi in revenge. 

You think of the most trustworthy blunt object you can use nearby. Taking a baguette from Sollux's hands, you swing it towards Terezi to bonk her. Quickly, however, she catches your forearm mid-swing, twists it, 

VRISKA: Ow!!!!!!!!  


jumps, and bites the baguette mid-air, stealing it from your hands. She storms off afterwards. 

SOLLUX: ma'am that'll be two dollar2  
TEREZI: FUCK YOU 1 41NT P4Y1NG  


> Aradia: Make her pay. 

You can't, she's gone now :( 

> Vriska: Get your food already. 

SOLLUX: here2 that baguette you wanted  
VRISKA: Thanks.  
SOLLUX: you going two your bedroom?  
VRISKA: Yeah, pro8a8ly.  
VRISKA: I’m not eating with you.  
SOLLUX: fair two be hone2t  
ARADIA: bye vriska :)  
VRISKA: 8ye Aradia!  
ARADIA: :)  


Walking back to your bedroom, you wonder… It’s so boring here, you need a goal! An objective. Rather, a quest! You need a quest, given to you by fate, or even an NPC. And it’d be great, grand, of immense magnitude. You need something to take you out of that bedroom and explore! Fight monsters, and see some sunlight! Sure, there are places here where you can get sunlight, but that’s not what you mean! You should go out! 

Does anyone here leave? You don’t pay attention to 80% of everyone here, so you wouldn’t know. No one really needs to. Kanaya brings in everything you need to live, so why bother? 

Well, the answer to that is simple: You want a quest. An adventure. And for that, you shall contact Kanaya, and ask her how the fuck to leave this house. 

> Vriska: Ask Kanaya how the fuck do you get out. 

She seems to not be here. By the sound, she’s probably running, like, 3 floors above you. You can hear it by getting closer to one of the spirals here. This place is really big, both vertically and horizontally, so of course there are a lot of these. There are stairs around, too, but these spirals are better for some, you guess. 

Going back to your bedroom’s door, you cough, and wait 4 seconds. She did not hear it. You then press a green button close to the door. 

woosh  


woosh  


WOOSH  


KANAYA: Hello Vriska  
KANAYA: Is There Anything Wrong  


She’s standing near you, her fangs shining against the hallway lights. 

KANAYA: Do You Need My Assistance  
VRISKA: Oh, no, it’s just.  
VRISKA: I was thinking of, uh,  


She’s staring at you, patiently waiting for your response. 

KANAYA: Take Your Time  
KANAYA: I Might Be Busy But You Can Come With Me If You Need To Talk  


She’s also wearing a really pretty dress, you think. It’s a good color on her. 

VRISKA: Oh it’s just that I thought you looked really good today.  


She smiles. 

KANAYA: Oh Why Thank You  
KANAYA: Thats Very Kind Of You To Say  
KANAYA: You Look Quite Enchanting As Well  
VRISKA: Heh, thanks.  
KANAYA: Ill Go Now  
KANAYA: See You Around  
VRISKA: 8ye lol.  


> Vriska: Contemplate on your failure. 

Yeah, you blew it. Guess you’ll have to… 

> Vriska: Contact your father. 

What? No! 

> Vriska: Contact your other mom. 

That’s not what the problem was before!!!!!!!! 

> Vriska: Contact Rose. 

Yeah. You will. Is she home? 


	2. Blood

You don’t know. But either way, you should look for her! The only place you think she could be is her office, and that’s where you’re going. 

Why does she have an office, anyway? Is it where she works? Does she not work outside, either? Hm. Kanaya says she’s your source of income. And, considering how human capitalism works, that probably means she works a lot. Which would explain why you don’t see her around much, if at all. 

You really don’t know much about her, huh? To think you ever did might be a tale for another time. 

But if she works outside, it might be good. You could ask her to leave with you! Then again, you don’t really know what the fuck you’d be doing out there. After all, this planet kind of sucks balls. It might sound weird to want to leave a perfectly safe household to go to a planet you don’t like, but you just don’t want to be trapped here. This place is like the cage of a bird who refuses to fly. 

And like one, you have been going up for a while now, although using the spiral ramps instead of flying. Through the way, you can see many doors to many rooms, paying attention to none, for they are simply not relevant. You could say it is mean to say that, but you're just being honest. You do find these people roaming around, sometimes! Sometimes indeed, you find Shouty Mc Nubs screaming at Strider by the bathroom. Some other times, you find that same thing, but with the other Strider! Is… Is Karkat having an affair? 

What the actual fuck are you talking about? 

Oh. It's here. Her office. 

You are standing in front of a door with a sign that says "Rose Lalonde." Below it, is another sign, this time saying "Authorized personnel only. Said rule does include Rose 2, Rose F. Lalonde, Jasprose, and possible additional Roses." 

> Vriska: Hacker voice: Get in. 

The door's lock seems complex. It would probably be complicated to crack this thing open like a cold one. So, of course, you decide to crack another cold one open. 

You find an 8-ball inside your pocket, and smash it through the window, not needing to pick the lock! As you have definitely said before, thieves make do. 

Before anything, however, 

> Vriska: Erase the part of the sign that says "Rose F. Lalonde." 

There you go. You don't know why you did that, but it sure was an important part of your quest. 

Entering the room, you realize just how messy it is. How could anyone walk here? There's so much shit on the floor! Not literal shit, but, 

> Vriska: Realize some of you can fly. 

Did you… Did you forget you could fly? 

Anyway, the place is a total mess. You might have been exaggerated just a tiny bit on the floor, but anyone would agree lots of small objects would get lost here easily. 

Although that might not necessarily be because of the mess. It could be because it's dark as fuck. Why did she do this? Is it a purposefully cumbersome way of working so that no one can observe her? Is this actually a fake office, here only to fool the foolish, and deceive the ceivers? 

If there's something you know, however, is that no matter how low the chances are, they're probably on your side. So you'll be the fool who'll explore this entire place. 

The drawers are filled to the brim with stuff you know nothing about. Rose's desk has several picture frames, each representing what you think is important to her: Kanaya, her marriage, and her friends. Most of which are family. So, her family and friends. Also on Rose's desk is a closed notebook with a pen on top of it, which makes you think… 

VRISKA: Oh????????  
VRISKA: There's lore????????  


You assume it's a diary of sorts. Would be useful, if you want to leave. 

> Vriska: Read what she wrote recently. 

Looking at the recent pages, you notice it's all gibberish in the darkest ink you've ever put your eyes on. It's certainly writing of some sort, but on what you think is an old earthly tongue you haven't heard of. Although not many pages have writing, the writing that there is, is extensive. The Derse humans have a talent with rambling, you think. 

Looking at more trash you see around, including a rubber ducky on the floor (which you are keeping thank you very much), you realize this might not be the magical quest you were looking for. No secret keys or cards, no books that lead you to hidden walls, and no hidden notes telling you to distrust the narrative. This journey might be over, and you'll have to just ask Kanaya normally, like a loser would. 

But there's one thing you haven't checked. The paintings. The paintings on the walls show gigantic, terrible looking monstrosities, eldritch abominations that you imagine are the core of Rose’s soul. These creatures of pure fear represent Rose’s dark side, and her mind. Other paintings show powerful, wise people, mostly wizards, with robes and lightning in the background. You think they represent Rose’s desires and consciousness. Lastly, you see paintings of beautiful, women, looking at each other, holding hands, exchanging conversations, and kissing. You are sure this means Rose is just a big lesbian. Not thinking too much about it, you try pushing the paintings aside, to see if-GASP! 

Behind the sapphic painting, lies a small object, wrapped in paper, taped to the wall. Above said thin object, is a note, written in newspaper cutouts, saying: 

“It’s too dangerous to go alone. Take this.” 

Your eyes shine with joy. What is this? What is the object, and why is it for? What is so dangerous? Finally, some adventure and mystery! Did Rose know you would come here with her Seer powers? Now that is just impressive. Oh wow. You just have got to open this. 

> Vriska: Open it. 

You try to find a point where you can unwrap the paper, and you--OUCH! You just stabbed yourself. A drop of blood falls onto the floor, and you try to clean it with the wrapping. 

woosh  


But the thing is, now you know what this is! 

woosh woosh  


It’s a switchblade! That is just so cool! It has a neat, red design, 

woosh  


that you just think fits your whole thing, you know? 

WOOSH  


Oh. Oh no. You know. She’s here. Oh god. 

> Vriska: Hide. 

You’re trying, damn it, you’re trying! You jump towards the bottom of Rose’s desk. Hopefully, she won’t see you there. You are counting on the bad lighting of the office to help you! 

The door creaks, opening. You hear a light, yet strong step. A second step as well. 

KANAYA: My Love  
KANAYA: Are You There  
KANAYA: I Cannot See You In This Dark  
KANAYA: But I Sense Blood  
KANAYA: Are You Hurt  


As the door creaks a bit more, you hear two additional steps. Then, a light switch. 

Oh, what? That was there all alon- 

You are lying in bed, in your bedroom. Your hand is wrapped in bandages. 

As you get up, you see a stool with a tray, on which lies a note, some cookies, and a glass of milk. The note reads: 

"Please Do Not Go There Again  
I Would Not Want You To Get Hurt  
Hope You Enjoy These  
Love, Kanaya"  


Someone knocks on the door to your room. You get up, taking a few cookies, and open it. 

TEREZI: 1 D1D S4Y 1T W4S D4NG3ROUS  
VRISKA: Oh what the FU  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have way too many plans of where to take this and I don't know if any of them will work, please help


	3. Duck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rubber ducks and a lot of foreshadowing, otherwise uneventful chapter so sorry!!!!! I have chapter 4 done I just need to re-edit it so I'll post it soon!!!

TEREZI: 4BOUT TH4T RUBBER DUCKY YOUR3 HOLD1NG  
VRISKA: Yes?  
TEREZI: WHO G4V3 TH4T TO YOU  


You look at your left hand. Within its grasp, lies a very cute duck made of rubber, most likely the kind you take a bath with. Doesn’t look like it’s been used (not that you know what a used rubber duck looks like). You squeeze it for a bit. The sound is nice. 

VRISKA: No one.  
VRISKA: It was on the floor.  
TEREZI: C4N 1 T4K3 4 LOOK??  
VRISKA: Yeah, sure????????  


Terezi takes the duck from you, slightly touching your hand in the process. Now, your hand is just cold, and lonely, as you long for the touch of… The duck, of course. You decide to use this occasion as an opportunity to look around. 

Her place is a fucking mess, though not in the way Rose’s office is. Filled with wall scribbles, clothes all over the floor, and the most obnoxiously colorful objects you’ve seen in a while, you can tell her situation is more deliberate than Rose’s. It’s not like she can see anything, after all. How she convinced Kanaya not to clean it everyday, you wouldn’t know. 

Moving your eyesight back to Terezi, you see her staring at the duck, as if plotting a murder with it. Of course, you think, Terezi can’t see, but she is still facing it, aligned perfectly, like her life depended on it. 

VRISKA: You ok8y there, 8uddy????????  
TEREZI: DO NOT 1NT3RRUPT US  
VRISKA: Alright.  


Is she fucking with you? She is probably fucking with you. 

VRISKA: Are you fucking with me, Terezi?  
TEREZI: M4YB3  
TEREZI: H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3  
VRISKA: Fuck you.  
TEREZI: (1’m not)  
VRISKA: What????????  
TEREZI: NOTH1NG!!  
VRISKA: Anyw8y, what do you want?  


She fixes her posture, gently puts the duck on the ground, picks up her walking cane, and gets up. 

TEREZI: YOU W4NT TO G3T OUT, R1GHT??  
VRISKA: Yeah!!!!!!!!  
TEREZI: NOT H4PP3N1NG.  
VRISKA: Oh ::::(  
TEREZI: TH3 OUTS1D3 WORLD 1S TOO D4NG3ROUS, R4PUNZ3L  
TEREZI: YOU N33D TO ST4Y H3R3  
TEREZI: Y4DD4 Y4DD4 Y4DD4  
TEREZI: SH3 WON’T L3T YOU.  
VRISKA: That’s a 8ummer.  
VRISKA: I’m not just giving up, though!!!!!!!!  


She gets to a small chalkboard, and starts scribbling whatever she’s talking about. 

TEREZI: SO YOU H4V3 4 F3W CHO1C3S H3R3  
VRISKA: Riiiiiiiight.  
TEREZI: YOU COULD L34V3 4LON3 SOM3HOW  
TEREZI: OR YOU COULD F1ND ROS3 FOR R34L  
VRISKA: W8.  
VRISKA: Alone????????  
VRISKA: Won’t you go with me?  
TEREZI: HM.  


She starts scribbling harder. 7 straight lines, seemingly random, 6 of them being vertical, and one horizontal. 

VRISKA: What are you doing????????  
TEREZI: TRY1NG TO TH1NK OF 4 PLOT 3XCUS3 TO NOT GO.  
VRISKA: Plot excuse????????  
VRISKA: You can just s8y if you don’t w8nt t8 go, you kn8w!!!!!!!!  
TEREZI: 1 W1SH 1 COULD, VR1SK4  
TEREZI: BUT TH3R3 4R3 PLOT R34SONS FOR TH4T NOT TO H4PP3N  
TEREZI: 1LL M4K3 UP FOR 1T ON3 D4Y  
VRISKA: What the F8CK does that mean????????  


She makes a gesture that roughly means, “YOU KNOW.” 

TEREZI: 1N 4NY C4S3, YOU 4R3 OBV1OUSLY LOOK1NG FOR ROS3  
TEREZI: TH3R3FOR3,  


She makes a small map of the building, tracing her bedroom, to a main hall in this floor, and then descending to another bedroom. 

TEREZI: YOUR JOB H3R3 1S TO GO TO TH3 H4LL  
TEREZI: 4ND DON’T FORG3T TO T4K3 TH3 DUCK W1TH YOU  
TEREZI: FOR YOU W1LL D3PLOY 1T TH3R3  
TEREZI: YOU W1LL TH3N D3SC3ND TOW4RDS TH3 BOTTOM FLOOR  
TEREZI: SP34K TO ROS3  
TEREZI: 4ND 4T TH3 3ND OF YOUR JOURN3Y  
TEREZI: TH3R3 W1LL B3 D3SS3RT  
VRISKA: Nice!!!!!!!!  
TEREZI: 4R3 YOU R34DY??  
VRISKA: Just some prepar8ions 8efore I go.  


> Vriska: Gently hold the duck. 

You do exactly that. It looks pleased. 

> Vriska: Plot destruction with the duck. 

You do that as well. It accepts your terms. 

VRISKA: Ok8y little guy, I know Terezi is just fucking with me again, 8ut I shall take you to your destin8ion!!!!!!!!  
VRISKA: 8ye loser!!!!!!!!  


Running from the closed door of Terezi’s bedroom, you run towards the hall, and do everything as planned; although the layout of the mansion is confusing, you seem to always walk towards the correct path, which is definitely very lucky of you! Must be a good sign. 

> Vriska: Kiss the duck’s nose. 

You kiss the duck’s beak, without really considering why. Putting it on the table and waving it goodbye, you leave towards the ramps, spiraling downwards like a witch. 

You get to the bedroom, its doors being huge, one green, and one purple. You brace yourself, and... 

> Vriska: Open the door. 


	4. Mirror

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has a porn joke aha funnies!!!!!!!!!!

The door opens, yet no light comes from within. 

VRISKA: What is it with Lalonde and dark rooms????????  
???: The light switch is to your right.  


You shiver at the first sound of that voice. Company! 

VRISKA: Ah! Of course, how silly of me, haha!!!!!!!!  


*click* 

The room greets your eyes with a bang. It seems any room Rose touches becomes a mess. Yet, this one is more controlled. Fewer clothes or papers on the floor, as if either Rose doesn’t do much here, or Kanaya cleans half of it for her. Although that wouldn’t make much sense. 

Rose sits on a comfortable looking armchair, those with book reading vibes. To her side, a desk, on which sits a fresh-looking coffee mug. She holds, however, a large, thin book with a blue cover, depicting a small boy standing on a small planet. You’re surprised; from her, you’d expect a thick hardcover of classic literature instead. But what do you know about books, right? 

ROSE: Vriska?  
VRISKA: Yes.  
ROSE: I’m not asking you your name, I’m trying to get you to tell me what’s up.  
VRISKA: Oh, uh, I was thinking of, like, uhhhhhhhh  


Why do you act like this towards both of them? They’re still your age!!!!!!!! 

VRISKA: I want to leave.  
VRISKA: This household.  
VRISKA: 8ecause, uh.  
VRISKA: I couldn’t ask Kanaya.  


She gently slips a bookmark in between the pages, closing the book she’s holding, and makes direct eye contact with you. 

ROSE: Okay.  
ROSE: That purple key on top of this desk, take it.  
ROSE: It opens the front doors.  


Resting the book on the desk, she picks up the mug, and sips on it, while still looking at you. 

VRISKA:  
ROSE: The door is to the left from here. You can’t miss it.  
VRISKA:  
ROSE: Gigantic doors. Gothic architecture, I’m sure you’ve heard.  
VRISKA:  


You swallow your own saliva, in hopes to get something out. 

ROSE: My guess is that you don’t actually want to leave.  
ROSE: Am I correct?  


You let your muscles rest as your posture shrinks, and a frown appears on your face. 

VRISKA: Yeah........  
ROSE: Sit down, dear, let’s discuss this.  


You sit on a different armchair, leaving both of you facing each other like old ladies during tea time. Or rather, what you imagine old ladies during tea time are like. 

ROSE: So, you’re tired of being here, and you think it’s boring to live in such a situation.  
VRISKA: Yes.  
ROSE: And you think that, despite the fact that there are many people here, whom you could just talk to right now, you feel immensely lonely, to the point where you can’t even think about a romance you took so much effort in improving.  
VRISKA: I guess you could say some of those things…  
ROSE: And you’d do anything to run away, even if deep down, you don’t actually want what’s out there at all.  
VRISKA: Oh jegus.  
ROSE: Because what you truly want is not to physically escape from people, but to not have to deal with what they’ve become here.  
ROSE: Because you still want what they used to be.  


She’s holding another book close to her face, but her fierce eyes on you indicate she’s absolutely not reading. You consider why that might be. 

VRISKA: Rose, are you doing that therapy thing where you descri8e your own pro8lems under the guise of them being your client’s, 8ecause someone else experiencing it is easier to 8elieve, therefore easier to s8y out loud????????  
ROSE: Fuck.  
ROSE: I didn’t expect you to know. How?  
VRISKA: I mean, I didn’t.  
VRISKA: I was asking a question.  
ROSE: Fooled twice by the same woman.  
ROSE: How tragic my life seems to be today.  


> Vriska: Be the therapist. 

VRISKA: Okay Lalonde, give me the 8ook.  
ROSE: What? You’re not doing that.  
VRISKA: Oh, trust me, I am.  


You get up and try to steal the book yourself, while she pushes you to go away. Struggling, you eventually manage to take it from her, while paying attention not to close the book too much, and lose the page she was on. 

You also notice that it is a math book, and you now feel like you could have gotten any other book from there. 

VRISKA: Anyway.  
VRISKA: What is going on? Inside that mind of yours?  
ROSE: Aurora Borealis.  
VRISKA: What????????  
ROSE: Nothing.  
ROSE: I didn't expect you to be interested in psychology, however.  
ROSE: You never striked me as the studying type.  
VRISKA: Well, if I m8y 8e honest, I don't give a single fuck about that.  
VRISKA: Freud? More like  
VRISKA: Void.  


Rose coughs. 

VRISKA: That joke sounded 8etter in my head.  
VRISKA: 8ut I do know something, Lalonde.  
VRISKA: There's lore here.  
VRISKA: And I need to know what it is.  
ROSE: Oh?  
ROSE: Enlighten me, then, on what part of my psyche would count as "lore" to you.  
VRISKA: I was in your office earlier.  
ROSE: I see.  
VRISKA: There, I found this 8ook.  
VRISKA: I'm assuming it's a journal.  
VRISKA: Personally, I'm very fond of those!!!!!!!!  
VRISKA: 8ut I can’t read whatever the fuck it said.  
ROSE: Really? It was in English!  
VRISKA: Huh?  
ROSE: Are you criticizing my handwriting, Serket?  
VRISKA: Yeah, m8y8e you need some calligraphy classes, fam.  


She scoffs at you, and rolls her eyes, making your old ladies idea much more closer to reality. 

VRISKA: 8ut that’s not my point.  
VRISKA: My point is-  
ROSE: I write about Kanaya there.  
ROSE: I’m glad you couldn’t read it.  
VRISKA: Oh.  
VRISKA: Well I’m glad I didn’t read your Rosemary smut fanfiction too!!!!!!!!  
ROSE: THAT’S NOT-  


Despite her obvious claims to the contrary, she looks as guilty as… A very guilty person. 

Your sense of humor is better than this most days, you promise. 

ROSE: I have many thoughts.  
ROSE: Thoughts I cannot share with any.  
ROSE: Thoughts I could not express back then, and cannot express right now.  
VRISKA: 8ack then????????  
ROSE: You’d think that, at this point, Kanaya and I would be good at solving problems.  
ROSE: But, by my own fault, we are not.  


Rose’s posture falls, as her gaze turns away, filled with longing. 

ROSE: I guess you wouldn’t understand it fully.  
ROSE: After all, it must sound very silly, from an outsider’s perspective.  
VRISKA: Yeah, talking isn’t hard, Rose!!!!!!!!  
VRISKA: It’s so easy I could do it for you!!!!!!!!  
ROSE: How’s your romance situation, then?  
VRISKA:  
VRISKA: Fuck.  
ROSE: I just fail to express my love, and fail to make her happy.  
ROSE: She wouldn’t be this super helicopter mother if I made her happy, would she?  
ROSE: I’ve seen many things. Many paths that the light could have led us to.  
ROSE: And in most of those, I make her unhappy.  
ROSE: And don’t cherish her enough.  
ROSE: As if I’m destined to it.  
ROSE: Destined to not loving her enough.  
ROSE: To letting her down.  
ROSE: She deserves so much more, Vriska.  


You dislike her tone. You’ve been through people as self-pitying as she’s being, and you won’t take it lightly. 

VRISKA: Yet you try to make no changes?  
ROSE: Huh?  
VRISKA: You s8y you’ve seen yourself, many, many times not loving her enough.  
VRISKA: And you don’t try to impede it????????  
VRISKA: This is exactly why she doesn’t get your love!!!!!!!!  
ROSE: Vriska…  
VRISKA: The one f8cking chance you have to change your f8, and you don’t do sh8t????????  


She pauses, collects herself, and stares at you for a brief moment. 

ROSE: Vriska, are you doing that therapy thing where you describe your own problems under the guise of them being your client’s, because someone else experiencing it is easier to believe, therefore easier to say out loud?  
VRISKA:  
VRISKA: You motherfucker.  



	5. Moon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains dating arguments and explosions (like literal ones) in case anyone would rather not read this shit

Two stars gravitate towards one goal. One toy sits idly within its core. 

Which path will you choose? 

> Duck: Synchronize. 

You are, simply put, a duck. But putting things simply won’t help anyone. You are not a duck at all; you are someone. 

Does that imply that a regular duck does not count as someone? That it does not have a soul? No. But you are not a regular duck. You are a rubber toy, shaped like a duck. 

> Duck: Please get to the point. 

Basically, although you are a rubber duck, you are actually that individual, who will be referred to as (you), standing over there, looking cool as all fuck. 

You are standing next to (yourself), possibly up to nefarious schemes as a single duo. 

What will your first nefarious scheme be? 

> Duck: Be Vriska. 

Oh, right. You are currently walking towards Kanaya, who is somewhere in this fucking mansion, who knows, you don't have spatial awareness anyway. You imagine she's just standing there, at the final floor, waiting to be confronted, like a scripted final boss. 

VRISKA: What will we do when we get there?  
ROSE: I'll talk to her. Alone.  
VRISKA: Alone????????  
VRISKA: 8ut I'm the hero!!!!!!!!  
ROSE: We all are, Vriska.  
ROSE: In our own stories.  
ROSE: My story is to talk to my wife.  
ROSE: Your story is to fuck off from the mansion.  


She has a point. 

ROSE: Besides, didn't you have your own romantic drama to deal with? I thought we made that clear minutes ago.  
VRISKA: Of course, 8ut…  
VRISKA: I can't do that right now.  


> Vriska: Stop being a little wuss and talk to her already. 

You’re not doing that! You can’t! Not in this chapter. 

Of your life. Chapter of your life. 

> Duck: Figure out your every answer. 

You know all the answers. You could say you even hold all the power. 

(Your) shades look as cool as they’ve always looked, you’re sure. But (your) hair has seen better days. Although you can’t say for sure, because when’s the last time (you) looked in a mirror? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! 

Oh? What’s that? A pretty button across the room? Maybe (you) should press it! 

> Vriska: Get your parents to stop fighting. 

Well, 

ROSE: THINK ABOUT YOURSELF ONCE, KANAYA!  
ROSE: NO ONE ELSE IS GOING TO DO THAT FOR YOU!  
ROSE: OR DO YOU THINK BABYSITTING TWENTY YEAR OLDS IS DOING ANYTHING?  


you don’t know how you would even begin. 

KANAYA: Im Just Trying To Give Them A Good Caring Figure In Their Lives  
KANAYA: You Know How Bad Theirs Were  
ROSE: OH, DO I, KANAYA?  


Rose’s whole expression gives you a bad feeling. Her loud voice makes you scared, and her eyes feel like a giant wave, ready to destroy every piece of concrete it touches. 

KANAYA: Yes  
KANAYA: You Do  
ROSE: Oh, well then, maybe I should have CONSIDERED that.  
ROSE: Maybe I’m being SELFISH by not thinking about how much KARKAT’S LUSUS SUCKED.  
KANAYA: Rose Youre Speaking Like Him  
KANAYA: And I Never Said You Were Selfi  
ROSE: KANAYA FOR THE LOVE OF-  


She pauses mid-sentence and sighs, her face frowning in what you assume is regret. 

ROSE: It's not.  
KANAYA: Its Not What  
ROSE: It's not what you say, Kanaya.  
ROSE: It's what you do.  
ROSE: I don't care about your true intentions. You're hurting yourself.  
KANAYA: Huh  


Rose is still looking focused at Kanaya’s direction, but when you turn to do the same, you can’t; Kanaya is standing within the shadows of pillars and balconies, maybe turning into a shadow herself. 

Yet Rose still looks at them, and they look back. 

VRISKA: (What is that noise????????)  


> Duck: What did you do. 

OOPS! I guess you know what that button does now! 

It rings throughout the mansion. An alarm. (Your) friends all run towards what you think is the exit. You wouldn’t know, you’re just a duck. 

(You) go to the bathroom, leaving yourself behind. Surely nothing bad will come from that. It feels nice and breezy inside. 

Wait, is that Karkat there? Karkat and Dave are walking together, like some kind of dumbass couple. He looks up and notices (you), not pleased. (You) show him the finger. He tells (you) to suck it. 

Is someone picking you up? OH FUCK, OH SHIT, (YOU), HELP YOURSELF!!! OH THEY'RE GOING TO ANOTHER BATHROOM NOOO 

> Vriska: Get the fuck out! 

No! You can't just leave them here! 

ROSE: PLEASE GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOURSELF!  
ROSE: YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE HERE WITH GRAY HAIR, AND WE'RE ALL THE SAME AGE!  
KANAYA: I Do Give A Shit  
KANAYA: I Just Care About Other Things Way More  
KANAYA: Im Sorry I Should Have Spent More Time With You  
ROSE: No. If anyone should apologise for that, it's me. I'm your wife, I should have been at your side in these moments.  
ROSE: But that's not what I'm talking about, Kanaya. I don't care if you're busy as long as you are spending time actually thinking about yourself.  
ROSE: I hate seeing you like this.  
KANAYA: Well Then Perhaps You Just  
KANAYA: Hate Me  


Rose drops a purple pillow on the floor, sitting on it as she sighs again. 

ROSE: Self-sacrifice isn't a personality trait, Kanaya.  
ROSE: It isn't who you are, nor it is who you're supposed to be.  
KANAYA: Who Am I Supposed To Be Then  
ROSE: I don't know! It's your choice.  
ROSE: You don't deserve this.  
KANAYA: I Am Sorry Rose But I Do  
KANAYA: Its What I Owe To Everyone  
ROSE: OWE? YOU DON'T OWE SHIT!  
ROSE: THAT IS NOT HOW IT WORKS!  


She quickly gets up, furiously tearing up. 

ROSE: YOU DESERVE LOVE AND CARE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.  
ROSE: YOU DESERVE HELP AND SUPPORT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.  
ROSE: YOU DESERVE A LIFE, KANAYA!  


Silence. The endless ringing of the alarms was long obscured by its mortal lack in these two's conversation. 

Reading Rose's expression, you feel she gets calmer everytime she looks at Kanaya in silence again. They are just thinking for a while. 

KANAYA: Look Rose Im  
KANAYA: Im Sorry  
KANAYA: You Deserve Love And Care As Well And Im Really Disappointed That I Never Noticed How Much I Just Wasnt Giving It To You  
ROSE: Stop… This is not about me…  
KANAYA: In All This Duty Of Taking Care Of People To You I Acted More Like Her  
ROSE: I said stop.  
KANAYA: Sorry  
ROSE: I just want you to be yourself.  
ROSE: I don't hate how much you want to take care of people, or do housework.  
ROSE: I just hate it when that's all you feel you should do.  


You hear Kanaya sighing. 

KANAYA: But What If Thats All I Can Do  


> Duck: Open your eyes. 

After a bit of a troublesome argument over a rubber duck and seeing people naked, (you) got yourself back. You can proceed to your goal now. 

Ah yes, the heart of the mansion: the bottom floor's empty hall. (You) put yourself on the top of a circular pattern on the ground, attach very small shades on your eyes, give yourself a little pat on the head, then a little bop, and head towards the exit, leaving your beeping and bopping behind. 

At least (your) butt looks nice today. 

> Vriska: Stop being the fuck. Wait, I meant suck. Dick? DUCK. 

ROSE: Kanaya, you are the strongest woman I've ever met.  
ROSE: You can do anything, as long as you want to.  
ROSE: Trust me.  
KANAYA: Can I  
ROSE: Ya.  
KANAYA: What  
ROSE: Nothing.  


They both breathe slowly, relieved. 

ROSE: Kanaya?  
KANAYA: Yes My Love  
ROSE: I love you.  


WOOSH 

You see a figure of drinker fastness coming out of the shadows to attack Rose. It takes her completely off guard, and you take out your blade as you try to follow after. 

VRISKA: W8, what are you-  


As the dust settles, Rose has several green lipstick marks on her face and neck, while Kanaya is still kissing her lovingly. Rose, pinned to the wall, laughs, not being able to even get the composure to get her wife to stop. 

KANAYA: I Love You Too  
KANAYA: And We Need To Discuss A Lot More Topics Relating To These Feelings  
ROSE: I agree wholeheartedly.  


They get up, and come close to you. 

KANAYA: And You Vriska  
KANAYA: You Should Go  
VRISKA: 8ut-  
ROSE: No buts, lady! Leave the house immediately!  
VRISKA: Ok8y moms........  


You turn around and walk away, knowing they want the best for you. 

VRISKA: 8ut hey.  
ROSE: Yes?  
VRISKA: I don't know what's going to happen.  
VRISKA: 8ut if you wanna invite me over somed8y, that'd 8e alright with me.  
KANAYA: That Is Good To Know  
KANAYA: See You Soon Darling  
ROSE: Goodbye, Vriska.  
VRISKA: 8ye 8itches!!!!!!!!  


You show them a V for Vriska with your fingers, turning around and leaving for good. 

After a while, you get out. 

Except for the two little birds kissing inside, everyone seems to be in the front lawn. You approach Terezi. 

VRISKA: Terezi, I need to talk to you a8out something.  
TEREZI: OH H3Y VR1SK4  
TEREZI: B3FOR3 YOU T3LL M3 W3 N33D TO LOOK  


She points up at the sky above the mansion. 

TEREZI: YOUR3 GONN4 LOV3 TH1S 

KABOOM! The Maryam-Lalonde mansion bursts from within, with a tower of flames forming from its newborn corpse. It twists and turns around itself like a romantic dance, and you feel someone taking your hand, while the fire of love stares down at you both. 

TEREZI: YOU C4N T3LL M3 WH4T YOU W4NT3D NOW.  
VRISKA: Oh, right. Ahem.  
VRISKA: Terezi.  
VRISKA: Terezi Pyrope.  
TEREZI: Y34H??  
VRISKA: Do you want to live with me?  
VRISKA: And I don't mean as roommates.  
TEREZI: 4H VR1SK4  
TEREZI: 1 H4V3 TO T3LL YOU SOM3TH1NG TOO.  
VRISKA: Oh????????  
TEREZI: NO.  
VRISKA: No???????? Oh, fuck.  
VRISKA: That's ok8-  
TEREZI: NOT!!  
TEREZI: LM4OOOOOO  
TEREZI: 1'M K1DD1NG  
TEREZI: H3R3 T4K3 TH1S  


She takes out the bread she stole from you. It has a bite mark. 

VRISKA: Thank you.  
VRISKA: Also are they going to 8e alright?  
TEREZI: ROS3 4ND K4N4Y4? Y34H  
VRISKA: Good.  


You sit down on the grass, the fire not close enough to worry. A few people are trying to put it out using their god powers. You'd tell them that you can't put fire out with the void, but what do you know? That's not what you're worried about now. 

You rest your hand on Terezi's, and she kisses you on the cheek. 

The end. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry I took so long for this one!!!!!! It's been a rough month and I've also been sick for like 6 days already which is why I didn't post this earlier I'm so sorryyyyy I hope this is a good ending (kind of I plan on an epilogue but I didn't even begin writing it but still!!!!!!!!!!!!!)


	6. The Rosemary

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi this chapter is double the size of a normal one and it's also very very different???? I don't know what else to say

Dinner. It's not everyday you're invited to someone's mansion for the sole purpose of eating. You guess it's more hospitality than anything. Fortunately, you've heard good about them. The location isn't the best, of course, since it took like one hour to get there, and this is the only building in miles, but still. It's just that you've read enough detective romances to know what happens in mansions in the woods.

Slowing down as you reach the front gate, you take a quick look at the rear mirror, seeing how your hat and moustache look, and then check your pockets, for--holy moly ravioli that house is on fire.

Leaving the Crockermobile, rushing to the scene, you are greeted by several acquaintances putting out the chaos you approach.

April 13, 4:13 PM  
The Rosemary  
Entrance Gate

A troll lady dramatically lies on the ground, sobbing, with a hand on her head.

???: OH 1TS T3RR1BL3  
???: ROS3 4ND K4N4Y4 W3R3 ST1LL 1NS1D3  
???: WHO COULD H4V3 DON3 TH1S??  
???: 1F ONLY SOM3ON3 COULD 1NV3ST1G4T3 4ND F1ND OUT!

You would not dare to ignore a lady in distress! You know what to do now!

> Jane: Start Game.

JANE: My name is Jane Crocker, private investigator, and I'm here to help you!

She stops crying and looks at you with a beautiful teal smile.

TEREZI: 4ND M1N3 1S T3R3Z1 PYROP3, PR1V4T3 NOTH1NG!  
JANE: Are you making fun of me?  


She lights up a pipe and starts smoking from it. Wait, isn't that your pipe?

TEREZI: P3RH4PS  
JANE: You do not have the power to make fun of me, miss!  
JANE: Where are Rose and Kanaya, anyway?  
TEREZI: TH3YLL B3 H3R3 SOON  
TEREZI: H4RD TO B3 4 GOOD HOST WH3N TH3R3S 4 M4NS1ON ON TOP OF YOU  
JANE: Oh heavens!  


Interrupting the conversation in what seems is a moment of luck for you (and the pacing of this chapter), rocks move under the intense sound of a chainsaw trying (and succeeding) to break through tons of concrete get your immediate attention. Kanaya Maryam cracks through with the aforementioned medical utensil by forcing it to with her own lumberjack-like upper body strength, while her gorgeous-looking wife, Rose Lalonde, ascends below her, removing obstacles in front of her with what you can only describe as lightbulb magic.

You are not staring at their muscles, you are NOT, you aren’t, you-

KANAYA: What The Actual Fuck  
KANAYA: Someone Please Give Me A Glass Of Water  
KANAYA: Holy Shit  


Several people rush to her aid, bringing with them a plastic chair and the glass she asked for.

ROSE: Kanaya, my dearest?  
KANAYA: What My Love  
KANAYA: Was I Too Rude  
KANAYA: I Admit I Am Still Bad At Recognizing That Aspect Of My Speech  
ROSE: Did you really just ask someone to do something for you before anything else?  
ROSE: Before even doing the same for me?  
KANAYA: Oh  
KANAYA: Wait I Did  
ROSE: You did!  
KANAYA: Are You Okay Though  
ROSE: Yes.  
KANAYA: Really  
ROSE: You’re speaking too much; save your effort and rest now.  


Rose then notices you standing there, getting close to you so she could apologize for the wait, and the scene. You tell her it's okay.

JANE: But the scale of this is impressive.  
JANE: Not something I'd expect from you two.  
JANE: Such dangerous events of theatrics? I would honestly have guessed a Strider was involved.  
ROSE: What… Are you talking about?  
JANE: You know, you inviting me for dinner, and then setting up a terrorist attack and possible murder attempt for me to investigate,  
JANE: Something so closely related to my childhood, and that also concerns my love for detective work?  
JANE: How much effort one must have put into this!  
ROSE: Oh, Jane…  


Her familiar Lalondian eyes look at you with a mix of pity and admiration, while she rests her hand on her left cheek.

ROSE: This wasn’t our doing.  
JANE: Hoo hoo hoo!  
JANE: That’s what they all say!  
JANE: A classic in investigation romances.  
JANE: I'll have to congratulate whoever orchestrated this for being so clever with the theming!  


She still looks at you with those eyes, even if a bit different from what your used to. She lacks the amused look you get from your partner.

ROSE: In any case, I'll give you permission to interrogate anyone, because I know you would ask otherwise.  
ROSE: You're not terrible at being entertaining, and you'll probably get some funny conclusion out of this.  
ROSE: Good luck.  


She leaves. What will you do?

> Move > Wreckage

April 13, 4:27  
The Rosemary  
Wreckage

You walk towards the crime scene. Or rather, the explosion site. The burn site? Did this pile of demolished homes come from the blast, or the fire? The chicken, or the egg, Jane?

> Examine > Background

You look for clues very close to where everything happened. Near the place where the bomb went off, you find… Rubber? Traces of rubber conveniently around the area, making you imagine if the bomb was made by a kid with too many rubber bands. You also find metallic pieces, which are probably part of a traditional bomb, thought they could serve as DIY shrapnel for the band bomb.

You’re kidding.

There’s also a nearly intact bathtub further away from you, and you think you see Eridan inside? You will not approach.

> Examine > Foreground

Kanaya is sitting on a chair.

> Talk > Kanaya

JANE: Hello Ma'am I am Jane Crocker, private investigator, I need to ask you a few questions.  
KANAYA:  
JANE:  
KANAYA: What  
JANE: I don't know, I thought you were going to interrupt me.  
KANAYA: Not At All  
KANAYA: Please Proceed  
JANE: Well, uh, do you know what happened?  
KANAYA: I Was Speaking To Rose During The Time Period Of An Hour Or Two  
KANAYA: We Were At The Top Floor  
KANAYA: I Imagine The Explosion Came From The Bottom So I Cannot Say I Know Anything About A Culprit  


You take a note of what she said.

JANE: Something about this leaves me curious.  
JANE: How come do only you and Rose look affected by it?  
KANAYA: While We Talked  
KANAYA: The Alarm Went Off Half An Hour Before The Explosion  
KANAYA: It Plays In The Entire Mansion  
KANAYA: Obviously Everyone Fled From The Scene  
JANE: And you two didn't why, exactly?  
KANAYA: We Were  


You aren’t used to Kanaya’s characteristic looks or gestures, but the one she gives you while saying this is the most understandable look a woman has ever given you:

KANAYA: Busy  
JANE: I understand completely.  
JANE: Thank you so much for the help, Kanaya.  


You get up, and point your index finger to that genius brain of yours.

JANE: And don’t worry!  
KANAYA: No One Is Worried  
JANE: I’ll solve this case!  
JANE: Hoo hoo hoo!  


Because Rose and Kanaya were not involved in the alarm, you can presume the culprit was the one who pressed it in the first place, since it was used before the explosion. Additionally, the blast zone was far to where Rose and Kanaya's conflicts rested. That can only lead you to believe, then, that the culprit's intention was not to harm anyone, but to take the building down, instead. Furthermore, the metal pieces, along with the rubber, can be seen as an indication that the bomb was hidden inside a rubbery object, such as a puppet, or a football. Clues like these are definite signs that there is more to this than meets the eye, but for now, you guess this is probably the work of a master at trickery! You may be in the path to finding your biggest nemesis!

JANE: Eureka!  


April 14, 1:56  
Maryam-Lalonde’s  
Living Room

You find yourself in a small house; Rose and Kanaya’s new home. They greet you with lunch and a cup of coffee, and then, you begin to ask them questions about the nature of the day of the incident.

JANE: Can you both tell me everything that happened that day?  
ROSE: Should we do it together?  
ROSE: Our days were quite different  
ROSE: So I'm afraid we'd have to both do it separately.  
JANE: Ah, of course!  
JANE: It's only natural to question one person at a time.  
JANE: Who wants to go first?  


> Talk > Kanaya

KANAYA: Just Another Day It Was  
KANAYA: I Clean The House  
KANAYA: Make Sure Everyone Is Healthy  
KANAYA: That Kind Of Thing  
JANE: So I understand you're very busy.  
KANAYA: Yes  
JANE: Did you see anything weird or unusual that day?  
KANAYA: Maybe  
KANAYA: Vriska Was Acting Differently  
KANAYA: Walking Around With A Purpose  
KANAYA: And Clearly Trying To Ask Me Important Questions But Failing In Doing So  
JANE: What is her usual behavior?  
KANAYA: She Tends To Stay Inside Her Room For Long Periods Of Time  
KANAYA: Very Occasionally Seeing Someone Else  
JANE: And what do you imagine caused that day's Vriska to be different?  
KANAYA: I Saw Her Inside Roses Office  
KANAYA: And Later Accompanying Rose To See Me  
KANAYA: So I Presume She Was Looking For Her  
JANE: I see. And Rose? How was she?  
KANAYA: She Tends To Stay In Her Bedroom Or In Her Office All Day  
JANE: She does?  


That's not a healthy sounding Rose if you've ever seen one.

KANAYA: We Have Discussed The Matter  
KANAYA: It Is Yet To Be Solved But I Think It Will Soon  
JANE: Understandable. Good luck.  
JANE: And thank you for everything.  
KANAYA: My Pleasure  
JANE: Rose?  


> Talk > Rose

ROSE: I stayed most of the day in my bedroom, reading a book.  
JANE: So I've heard.  
ROSE: You're familiar with my methods, yes?  
JANE: I have a very close friend who's very similar to you, if you feel me!  
JANE: Hoo hoo hoo!  
ROSE: I'm aware of her, unfortunately.  
JANE: Aw, don't be like that!  
JANE: She likes you a lot.  
JANE: I'm sure she'd love to have dinner with me and you two!  
JANE: One that doesn't turn into an investigation.  
ROSE: Roleplay?  
JANE: Roleplay is allowed.  
JANE: Anyhow, about your day?  
ROSE: Ah, of course.  
ROSE: Vriska came by at some point.  
ROSE: Interrupted my reading completely, and tried to play therapist with me.  
ROSE: That woman is something else.  
JANE: It worked, didn't it?  
ROSE: It did…  
JANE: What did you talk about, if I may ask?  
ROSE: Mostly our problems with romance.  
JANE: Through very subtle and implied means of saying what you both wanted to say, instead of just talking?  
ROSE: Will you stop asking that?  
JANE: Oh hoo hoo hoo!  
JANE: I'm sorry. Continue.  
ROSE: We then left towards the top of the mansion to see Kanaya.  
ROSE: I wanted Vriska to leave, but she did not until we were done.  
JANE: Oh? So she was with you the whole time?  
ROSE: She was with me from the time she entered my bedroom until after Kanaya and I decided to tell her to leave because of the alarm.  
JANE: So she has an alibi for the alarm… But not necessarily one for the bomb.  
ROSE: You could say that.  
ROSE: But I believe Vriska is not the kind to break things unreasonably.  
JANE: Are you implying the culprit was unreasonable?  
ROSE: Am I?  
JANE: What did you and Kanaya do after Vriska left the scene?  
ROSE: Well, we did the common kind of physical contact you'd do in our situation, and then it all exploded.  
JANE: Interesting.  
JANE: Thank you so much for your help, Rose.  
ROSE: Where are you going?  
JANE: Asking some questions to the other side of that story.  


> Move > Pyrope-Serket’s

April 14, 4:30  
Pyrope-Serket's  
Entrance

TEREZI: WH4T TH3 FUCK DO YOU W4NT??  
JANE: I'm still investigating the explosion at the Rosemary Mansion, ma'am.  
JANE: I need to ask Vriska some questions.  
TEREZI: OH?  
TEREZI: VR1SK4?  
TEREZI: WHY D1DNT YOU S4Y SO SOON3R??  
TEREZI: COM3 1N  


April 14, 4:34  
Pyrope-Serket's  
Main 8edroom

You approach Vriska. She speaks quietly, but looks happy and satisfied. You ask her if that’s the case. She confirms that she likes her place in life now. You ask her about yesterday. She tells you about Rose’s office, the knife, Terezi, Rose, Kanaya, the duck,

Wait, what duck? She tells you about a duck she found, and how Terezi gave her a bunch of orders in relation to it, and it makes you curious about how exactly the rubber got near the bomb if Vriska let the duck so far away from it. You thank Vriska, and she wishes you good luck.

JANE: Terezi, thank you-  
JANE: Terezi?  


Oh. You are very stupid.

April 14, 5:52  
The Rosemary  
Entrance Gate

You find yourself in the crime scene again, after chasing Terezi in the Crockermobile. She gets out of her own dragon car and sprints into the front yard of what once was her home.

JANE: Hey!  
JANE: Terezi!  
TEREZI: YOU C4N’T C4TCH M3, OFF1C3R!  
JANE: Officer?  
JANE: I’m not a cop!  
TEREZI: SH1T  


She jumps over stones of concrete, running away from you with the magical ability of parkour.

TEREZI: 1T’S OV3R J4N3, 1 H4V3 TH3 H1GHGROUND  
JANE: Oh yeah? How do you plan on getting down here then?  


She looks down, with a frown.

TEREZI: 4NYW4Y  
TEREZI: YOU C4N’T DO SH1T  
JANE: Oh, but I can.  
TEREZI: YOU C4N’T PROV3 1 D1D 1T  
TEREZI: H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3  


She scowls at you, as if every time she looked at you, she saw only a fool. A clown, if you will.

You respond with a light chuckle.

JANE: You’re right.  
JANE: I can’t prove you did it.  
TEREZI: OH 1T’S TH4T 34SY HUH  
JANE: Not at all.  
JANE: You see, my dear Terezi...  
JANE: I cannot prove you did it…  


You pull your hat down, closer to your face, to a point where she can’t see your eyes.

JANE: Because you didn’t do it.  
TEREZI: N-N4N1?  
JANE: You may have been part of this scheme, Ms. Pyrope.  
JANE: But you are nothing more than a decoy for the true culprit.  
JANE: A distraction.  
JANE: A puppet.  


She starts to struggle in her footing, doing what you assume is a desperate way of trying to think of her next action. It is too late for her now, however.

TEREZI: OH Y34H?  
TEREZI: HOW 4BOUT YOU SHOW M3 SOM3 3V1D3NC3 TH3N  
JANE: Okay.  


> Present > Crockercorp Phone

JANE: TAKE THAT!  


Your scream echoes through the woods as you show her your phone’s screen. It is open on a tracker app, its signal hovering right above a familiar place. The horse farm.

JANE: While I got here, you immediately got into action, distracting me with your silly tricks, making sure I paid attention to your presence.  
JANE: Then, after I questioned Vriska, you wanted my suspicions to come true, as I saw you leaving the house with the tail between your legs.  
JANE: You wanted me to pin this crime on you.  
TEREZI: WHY WOULD 1 3V3R DO TH4T?  
JANE: You covering up for the true culprit would make the crime seem smaller than it really was.  
JANE: Obviously because from you, shenanigans are expected.  
JANE: But that was your mistake.  
JANE: While trying to distract me yesterday, you took my pipe with you.  
JANE: But there’s a catch.  
JANE: The pipe had a tracker.  
TEREZI: WH4T?  
TEREZI: WHY TH3 FUCK D1D YOU PUT 4 TR4CK3R 1N 4 P1P3  
JANE: It’s not just any pipe.  
JANE: It’s a Crockercorp pipe.  
JANE: And you wanna know who put the tracker there, after my request?  


You point your right arm backwards, to an angle of 300º from your body.

JANE: He did.  


Out from a closet of bushes, comes a Strider running to you, with a sword in hand. You do a backflip over his head, picking it up in mid-air and pulling him to the ground with your weight. Before he can lift himself up, you lock him in clown-themed handcuffs, and put him on a wall close to you.

JANE: What did I say about Striders and theatrics?  
JANE: It’s always this with you, I swear.  
DIRK: You wouldn’t understand.  
JANE: Wouldn't understand? What have you ever done that I didn't understand?  
DIRK: Is that an actual question you're making.  
JANE: What are you planning, Strider?  
DIRK: This is bigger than you. Bigger than Terezi.  
DIRK: She helped me quite a bit, of course.  
DIRK: Mostly through distractions and mind games.  
DIRK: But I am concluding a story.  
DIRK: I am taking the relevance elsewhere.  
DIRK: Places the likes of which you would never survive through seeing.  
JANE: You can't intimidate me with these meaningless words!  
JANE: I am Jane Cro-  


April 14, 7:08  
The Rosemary  
Entrance Gate

Your head hurts so bad. Your arms and legs are tied up, and you can't move.

JANE: Ow…  


Dirk stands in front of you, now unbounded to the foolish imagery. Terezi stands near him as well, with a cane in hand.

JANE: The duck…  
JANE: It was yours, wasn't it?  
DIRK: Was it?  
JANE: You came up with it for the irony.  
JANE: Even put a little robot inside it, I presume.  
DIRK: A camera, mixed in with some magic technology you don't know of.  
JANE: I knew it.  
JANE: So it really was the bomb?  
DIRK: …  


He looks down at you. Or does he not? You could never tell, with those glasses.

DIRK: Goodbye, Jane.  
DIRK: You're done.  
JANE: I'm done?  
DIRK: You've solved the case.  
DIRK: You can tell Rose now.  
DIRK: She won't care.  
JANE: I see…  
DIRK: See you someday.  


Dirk and Terezi slowly walk away, opening the surprisingly intact gate to leave, and possibly not see you again. And it is with this opening that a bucket of water falls on each of their heads.

TEREZI: J44444444NE!  
DIRK: JAAAAAAAANE!  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am tired of MILF  
> Goodbye


End file.
